This post is a composite of the three Formula One races held during the month of May. As usual, they do not claim to represent the definitive, purist version of race reports, simply one armchair critic's views on how things are progressing - or not!

Barcelona (Spain) on the 9th was a tame affair. All the teams and drivers were looking forward to the start of the 'European' season, and Barcelona is an easy entry into this phase. They are all familiar with the circuit (perhaps too familiar) having carried out pre-season testing at the circuit and no surprises were expected, except for the modifications to the cars that would catch some of the unwary wrong-footed. As it turned out nothing much happened, and the race bored itself into one's subconscious with a certain inevitability! The Icelandic volcano event affected Branson's Virgin team by stranding them and their cars in China, reducing the time they had to convert their fuel tanks. They only managed to convert one of them. If I haven't mentioned it before, allow me to expand a little on this farce. The pre-season fit for Virgin found them with fuel tanks that did not hold enough fuel for the car to RACE. They could finish the 300+ kilometres at each venue, but they couldn't actually RACE to the finish line. Ho-bloody-hum! Wonder whose head rolled for that one?

The next racing venue held more promise!

Monte Carlo (Monaco) on the following weekend, the 16th. It is the iconic 'road' venue that carries huge prestige for the winner. Every driver wants this one, and the fact that overtaking during the race is almost unheard of, the 'Qualifiers' are of the utmost importance. The driver that manages to gain pole position (P1) is almost guaranteed to win the race if he and his car can survive the rugged conditions. Not surprisingly, Mark Webber (RBR-Renault) grabbed pole and managed to hang on to win the race. Sebastian Vettel (the other Red Bull), could only manage 3rd position on the starting grid, but grabbed second place on the podium because Jensen Button (McLaren-Mercedes) suffered an engine failure.

The safety car was called out three times, each time cutting Webber's lead down to a second or so, but Webber is an old hand at this game and was able to shrug off the attentions of the following pack.

The only other eyebrow raising incident was Rubens Barrichello's (Williams) tussle with a drain cover. Yes, you read that right - a loose DRAIN COVER  spun up and hit his car's rear left wheel at Turn-2 causing him to lose control, which resulted in a spectacular crash, smacking both sets of barriers, coming to a halt in the middle of the track facing the wrong way …

Rubens Barrichello comes off second best in Monte Carlo!
(click for a larger image)

That little incident resulted in the second of the safety car deployments. The third came shortly after because ANOTHER loose drain cover was discovered at Turn-3.

Did I mention that this was a 'rugged' race?

So, two weeks later with many modifications to the various cars, we arrive at Istanbul (Turkey). Red Bull-Renault showed that they were still the cars to beat. McLaren-Mercedes appeared to have worked miracles in the two weeks and were giving a good account of themselves during the free-practise sessions. The venue, Istanbul Park, boasts an horrendous bend called Turn-8 which tends to sort the men from the boys. It is a sweeping left-hander which the cars take at full speed. To go through this turn flat out you need to have a car that is so well balanced that it will carry you through without deviating left or right. Red Bull had the balance; the rest did not. Simple as that.

The dreaded Turn-8
(click for a larger image)

Mark Webber (RBR-Renault) made pole, Lewis Hamilton (McLaren-Mercedes) shared the front, in second place, but on the 'dirty' side of the track. Sebastian Vettel (RBR-Renault) took third and Jensen Button (McLaren-Mercedes) was behind Hamilton in fourth. The scene was set for a two-team, four-car race. There were other players, but they appeared to have lost a little here, lost a little there, and were playing catch-up for the most part.

The race unfolded exactly as one would have expected. The first hint that things might not be going smoothly was when Hamilton's crew took two-tenths of a second longer than they should have to change his right rear tyre. This allowed Vettel to get his nose in front of Hamilton and now it was a Red Bull 1-2. Hamilton was not a happy turkey. Trying to pass one Red Bull was difficult enough, but having to contend with both of them in front of him was no picnic. They drove nose-to-tail waiting for the 'other guy' to make a mistake until Lap 40 (of 58).

Team Red Bull were beginning to get nervous. It appeared that Hamilton was driving the drive of his life and that it was only a matter of 'when' not 'if' he would overtake Vettel, so they radioed both RBR drivers to appraise them of the situation (that is their version - 'team orders' are now illegal). Vettel was going faster than his team-mate at this stage and it appears he decided to extricate himself from the humiliation of being overtaken by Hamilton by placing himself in the lead, ahead of Webber, and on Turn-12 of Lap 41 he got a 'run' on Webber on the inside. When they had drawn alongside each other he tried to move to his right to get the correct line into the next corner. But Webber was still there! Vettel's right rear clipped Webber's left front. Suddenly Vettel was spinning wildly down the road and Webber had to run wide to avoid him - twice! The touch punctured Vettel's tyre putting him out of the race. The two McLaren's following, quietly avoided the debris and slipped into 1st and 2nd, relegating Webber to 3rd.

And that is how they finished.

But not before Button attempted a similar move on Hamilton two laps later. In that exchange they swapped positions 3 times in 4 corners, with Hamilton bludgeoning his way to the front to stay there! You might be forgiven for thinking that this was foolhardy in the extreme considering the outcome of the tussle between their immediate competitors. But 'Joe Public' (including us armchair types) want to see a race, not a procession, and that is what we got. Well done, fellas!

The post-race interview was a subdued, even muted, affair. Much diplomatic language was used by all three podium finishers to describe the events that had just taken place. Hamilton commented that he would have preferred to have won in a straightforward race for the front. Webber muttered something about, "… these things happen."

Webber is a straight-talking Aussie and I suspect that a bit of Aussie straight-talking will take place at team-HQ when he confronts Petula(nt) Vettel who actually had the cojones to make a gesture, whilst walking back to the pits, to indicate that Webber was a bit loopy in the head. Oh boy, is he in for a surprise!

Canada and  Montreal next. 13th June. Make a date …

The quotation I've chosen, by Brian Grant, was made specifically about basketball, but I found it a perfect fit for how the two British drivers, Button and Hamilton of Team McLaren, are currently behaving.

Just prior to, and at the start of the season, the more sensational press hinted at unrest in the McLaren camp and friction between the two drivers. The immediate post-race reactions and body language of the two drivers, after the China Grand Prix, will certainly dispel the rumours.

At the end of the race Hamilton made it to 'parc fermé' ahead of Button and jumped out of his car to rush across to congratulate the other driver even before he had come to a halt. Button, in turn, extricated himself with difficulty from his cramped cockpit, didn't even wait to replace the (very expensive) steering wheel, before sprinting across to Hamilton to give him a huge bear-hug. Their congratulatory celebrations were undoubtedly genuine, their conversation was animated, punctuated with smiles and laughter, and they even managed to include young Nico Rosberg (Mercedes), who finished third, in their conversation. It was a far cry from the peacock-like posturing of Alonso (GP Bahrain) and Vettel (GP Malaysia) when they made it to the podium.

Long may the sportsmanship continue.

Bowing to comments left in the previous post I shall attempt to summarise the race, picking up on some of the more entertaining incidents that occurred, and to which I was privy, thanks to the Portuguese cable company that carried the event.

The start of the race brought back bad memories of last year's Malaysian GP rant in which I excelled myself by almost frothing at the mouth. Yes, once more it was bucketing-down at the start of a race. It was referred to as 'light rain', but it appeared to be leaving a heavy sheen on everything. And were those slicks I saw the cars shod with? They sure were! And wasn't that why the cars were swerving madly to build up the temperatures in their tyres on the warm-up lap?

Oh well, the professionals know best; I am only an armchair critic.

Alonso (Ferrari) got a 'jump start', an euphemism for 'cheating bastard', and got to the first corner ahead of 'Petula(nt)' Vettel (Red Bull) and 'Jaws' Webber (Red Bull). Lucky. Because Liuzzi (Force India) lost it at the corner, spun around, and then somersaulted into and over Kobayashi (BMW) and Buemi (Toro Rosso). WIPEOUT for three!

Safety car ...

Alonso had been rumbled by Charlie Whiting Charlie Whiting is FIA Formula One Race Director, Safety Delegate, Permanent Starter and head of the F1 Technical Department, in which capacities he generally manages the logistics of each F1 Grand Prix, inspects cars in Parc fermé before a race, enforces FIA rules, and controls the lights which start each race.

Now you know why some things go pear-shaped when you consider how 'stretched' Charlie must be during each race!

When Charlie retires they are going to find it hard to hire two (or even three) 'professionals' to take over where he leaves off.

in the starters box and was invited to a 'drive through penalty' party, the equivalent of losing 25 seconds. Because that's how long it takes to traverse the pit lane adhering to the set speed limit. However, before the uplifting news was radioed to him, Alonso and the the two Red Bull's (the latter two probably incandescent with rage by now) pitted to switch to wet tyres.

Safety car exits stage right …

Three laps later all those who changed to 'wets' were back in again to change back to 'slicks'. It was sheer chaos. The pit crews - sorry, CREW, singular - attended to both team cars, and to hell with the niceties of each driver having his own crew! That was also the pit stop in which Hamilton and Vettel tussled on exiting the pits, earning each a 'reprimand' after the race. I am a Hamilton fan and NOT a Vettel supporter, but I think in this instance they BOTH got off lightly. Will they have learned a lesson? I hope not; this is not a sport for the faint-hearted, and handbags at five paces doesn't have any place in the makeup of an F1 racing driver.

Hamilton then proceeded to dish out a driving lesson to Vettel and Webber. He overtook Webber and was sandwiched between the two Red Bull's who began making life difficult for him - one braking in his face, the other threatening to ram him up his derriere. On lap 12 he outfoxed both of them and passed Vettel with ease, disappearing in a cloud of spray.

Lap 20 and more wholesale pit stops: Button, Rosberg, Petrov, Hamilton and Vettel (again), Schumacher, Webber, Alguersuari, Sutil, Massa and Alonso (back of the field now after serving his drive-through) all stopped for 'wets'.

Lap 21 - safety car - Alguersuari was off, damaging his nose cone and leaving a trail of debris behind him. Bad time for a safety car deployment for some; great news for others. Button's lead was wiped out, but Hamilton's 40 second deficit behind the leaders was also cut to a second or two. Ah well, that's motor racing!

Lap 25 - safety car off - but Button had slowed down the rest of the field so much that when the race resumed they were all bunched up behind him and it was almost surreal to watch racing cars behaving like waltzing couples at the Hammersmith Palais. Only they were doing it at around 300 kilometres an hour. Whew!

Hamilton wised-up on lap 37 and ducked into the pits to put on a fresh set of rain boots, fractionally before Button (1st), Rosberg (2nd) and Alonso (4th) did the same. This allowed Hamilton to 'overtake' Rosberg whilst he pitted, and it was now a race between the teammates for 1st and 2nd.

Thrilling to the end. Button pulled away from Hamilton at first, increasing his lead to 9.9 seconds, but as his tyres degraded he found Hamilton closing in on him with each lap.

Button crossed the line only 1.5 seconds ahead of Hamilton, and I have no doubt that had they not run out of track, the latter would have taken the race.

Motor racing, especially the Formula One kind, can be so entertaining!

If only the backroom boys would leave it to the drivers ...

Less than a week to go to the first race of the 2010 season. The pre-season testing (Valencia, Jerez and Barcelona) is done and dusted. Unlike the start of last season, there were no major surprises, or hastily lodged complaints by any of the teams!

This season promises to be a 'cracker'. With the return of Michael Schumacher there are no less than FOUR world champions on the grid; Schumacher (7 titles), Alonso (2005), Hamilton (2008) and Button (2009). The last two are competing against each other out of the same stable, McLaren-Mercedes, and there already appears to be a bit of friction!

To balance all these 'chiefs' they've even got an Indian, Karun Chandhok, driving for the newly formed and hastily-badged HRT team. He is only the second Indian to have ever driven in Formula One. Along with Chandhok there are several new faces (Schumacher is not a new face), but one of my favourites, the hard-drinking-cigar-smoking Finn, Kimi Räikkönen, has left for pastures new. I shall miss his monosyllabic and monotonous post-race interviews, but I won't miss having to look up his name each time I wanted to write it.

HRT is not the only new team to make an appearance this year. Lotus, a name that conjures up past motor racing excitement, is also there. Richard Branson, after investing masses of money with Brawn-Mercedes last year, only to see it sold to the Germans, has decided to put out his very own team. They are called 'Virgin': you expected something else?

The FIA continues to tinker with the rules (remember my rants last season?). This time I am hoping they have got it right, but only time will tell. The most important change is going to be the elimination of the refuelling stops. In other words, they will have to have enough fuel aboard to complete the race from the get-go. It also means the drivers will not only have to race each other on the track, they will need to watch their fuel consumption, and nurse their tyres from start to finish. Can't see this rule, being applied to the modern racing car, lasting the season. Rest assured, if I am right in my assessment I shall take the opportunity to crow loudly from these pages!

The current weather conditions in Melbourne are abysmal. Plenty of rain, so much so that they are suffering major floods. What has that to do with F1? Well, if you had to ask the question, you are not an aficionado! Any long-term followers of the sport know that it is traditional to kick off the season in that 4-seasons city 'down-under'. The serendipitous choice of starting THIS season in Bahrain must have been a conscious decision taken in committee. They are off to a good start; one can only hope that it continues.

I shall be watching from my armchair to see that they don't screw-up along the way ...

This video snippet might be construed as a bit of a 'sexist' or an 'ageist' dig, but I hasten to assure my visitors that it is posted as a tribute to a bunch of 'grannies' who absolutely do not understand the word 'cannot'.

I readily admit to being a bit of a Reginald Molehusband, Reginald Molehusband was a fictional character who starred in a public information film, shown on British TV during the 1960's. Molehusband was depicted as the country's worst driver when it came to parking his Austin 1100 car.

The name of Reginald Molehusband has entered common parlance in Great Britain to refer to any accident-prone driver.

Now you know!

despite having held a HGV ticket in later life. It has expired now, but I've always been proud of the fact that I managed to qualify on only the second go. The first test saw me tussle with a bus on a roundabout. I won, but the examiner didn't see it my way!

I am particularly fond of the 'script' for the Reginald Molehusband film that was shown on the BBC. No copy of the film exists, but the script has gone down in the annals of film history:

This is the story of Reginald Molehusband, married, two children, whose reverse parking was a public danger. People came from miles just to see it. Bets were laid on his performance. What he managed to miss at the back, he was sure to make up for at the front. Bus drivers and taxis changed their routes to avoid him. Until the day that Reginald Molehusband did it right. Not too close, far enough forward... come on Reginald... and reverse in slowly... come on.... and watching traffic... and park perfectly! Well done Reginald Molehusband, the safest parker in town.

Since no film of Reginald (or me) exists, you will just have to 'watch-and-wonder' at these daredevil grannies doing their stuff on Top Gear ...

Whew! Great fun, huh?

Now don't you take this as an invitation to go out and do the same thing with the family car!

'Till the next 'girls' post ...

P.S.
This was a video upload using the WLW built-in YouTube link. Enter the URL and WLW does the rest. Check on the YouTube page that 'embedding' is allowed.