This post is a composite of the three Formula One races held during the month of May. As usual, they do not claim to represent the definitive, purist version of race reports, simply one armchair critic's views on how things are progressing - or not!

Barcelona (Spain) on the 9th was a tame affair. All the teams and drivers were looking forward to the start of the 'European' season, and Barcelona is an easy entry into this phase. They are all familiar with the circuit (perhaps too familiar) having carried out pre-season testing at the circuit and no surprises were expected, except for the modifications to the cars that would catch some of the unwary wrong-footed. As it turned out nothing much happened, and the race bored itself into one's subconscious with a certain inevitability! The Icelandic volcano event affected Branson's Virgin team by stranding them and their cars in China, reducing the time they had to convert their fuel tanks. They only managed to convert one of them. If I haven't mentioned it before, allow me to expand a little on this farce. The pre-season fit for Virgin found them with fuel tanks that did not hold enough fuel for the car to RACE. They could finish the 300+ kilometres at each venue, but they couldn't actually RACE to the finish line. Ho-bloody-hum! Wonder whose head rolled for that one?

The next racing venue held more promise!

Monte Carlo (Monaco) on the following weekend, the 16th. It is the iconic 'road' venue that carries huge prestige for the winner. Every driver wants this one, and the fact that overtaking during the race is almost unheard of, the 'Qualifiers' are of the utmost importance. The driver that manages to gain pole position (P1) is almost guaranteed to win the race if he and his car can survive the rugged conditions. Not surprisingly, Mark Webber (RBR-Renault) grabbed pole and managed to hang on to win the race. Sebastian Vettel (the other Red Bull), could only manage 3rd position on the starting grid, but grabbed second place on the podium because Jensen Button (McLaren-Mercedes) suffered an engine failure.

The safety car was called out three times, each time cutting Webber's lead down to a second or so, but Webber is an old hand at this game and was able to shrug off the attentions of the following pack.

The only other eyebrow raising incident was Rubens Barrichello's (Williams) tussle with a drain cover. Yes, you read that right - a loose DRAIN COVER  spun up and hit his car's rear left wheel at Turn-2 causing him to lose control, which resulted in a spectacular crash, smacking both sets of barriers, coming to a halt in the middle of the track facing the wrong way …

Rubens Barrichello comes off second best in Monte Carlo!
(click for a larger image)

That little incident resulted in the second of the safety car deployments. The third came shortly after because ANOTHER loose drain cover was discovered at Turn-3.

Did I mention that this was a 'rugged' race?

So, two weeks later with many modifications to the various cars, we arrive at Istanbul (Turkey). Red Bull-Renault showed that they were still the cars to beat. McLaren-Mercedes appeared to have worked miracles in the two weeks and were giving a good account of themselves during the free-practise sessions. The venue, Istanbul Park, boasts an horrendous bend called Turn-8 which tends to sort the men from the boys. It is a sweeping left-hander which the cars take at full speed. To go through this turn flat out you need to have a car that is so well balanced that it will carry you through without deviating left or right. Red Bull had the balance; the rest did not. Simple as that.

The dreaded Turn-8
(click for a larger image)

Mark Webber (RBR-Renault) made pole, Lewis Hamilton (McLaren-Mercedes) shared the front, in second place, but on the 'dirty' side of the track. Sebastian Vettel (RBR-Renault) took third and Jensen Button (McLaren-Mercedes) was behind Hamilton in fourth. The scene was set for a two-team, four-car race. There were other players, but they appeared to have lost a little here, lost a little there, and were playing catch-up for the most part.

The race unfolded exactly as one would have expected. The first hint that things might not be going smoothly was when Hamilton's crew took two-tenths of a second longer than they should have to change his right rear tyre. This allowed Vettel to get his nose in front of Hamilton and now it was a Red Bull 1-2. Hamilton was not a happy turkey. Trying to pass one Red Bull was difficult enough, but having to contend with both of them in front of him was no picnic. They drove nose-to-tail waiting for the 'other guy' to make a mistake until Lap 40 (of 58).

Team Red Bull were beginning to get nervous. It appeared that Hamilton was driving the drive of his life and that it was only a matter of 'when' not 'if' he would overtake Vettel, so they radioed both RBR drivers to appraise them of the situation (that is their version - 'team orders' are now illegal). Vettel was going faster than his team-mate at this stage and it appears he decided to extricate himself from the humiliation of being overtaken by Hamilton by placing himself in the lead, ahead of Webber, and on Turn-12 of Lap 41 he got a 'run' on Webber on the inside. When they had drawn alongside each other he tried to move to his right to get the correct line into the next corner. But Webber was still there! Vettel's right rear clipped Webber's left front. Suddenly Vettel was spinning wildly down the road and Webber had to run wide to avoid him - twice! The touch punctured Vettel's tyre putting him out of the race. The two McLaren's following, quietly avoided the debris and slipped into 1st and 2nd, relegating Webber to 3rd.

And that is how they finished.

But not before Button attempted a similar move on Hamilton two laps later. In that exchange they swapped positions 3 times in 4 corners, with Hamilton bludgeoning his way to the front to stay there! You might be forgiven for thinking that this was foolhardy in the extreme considering the outcome of the tussle between their immediate competitors. But 'Joe Public' (including us armchair types) want to see a race, not a procession, and that is what we got. Well done, fellas!

The post-race interview was a subdued, even muted, affair. Much diplomatic language was used by all three podium finishers to describe the events that had just taken place. Hamilton commented that he would have preferred to have won in a straightforward race for the front. Webber muttered something about, "… these things happen."

Webber is a straight-talking Aussie and I suspect that a bit of Aussie straight-talking will take place at team-HQ when he confronts Petula(nt) Vettel who actually had the cojones to make a gesture, whilst walking back to the pits, to indicate that Webber was a bit loopy in the head. Oh boy, is he in for a surprise!

Canada and  Montreal next. 13th June. Make a date …

The quotation I've chosen, by Brian Grant, was made specifically about basketball, but I found it a perfect fit for how the two British drivers, Button and Hamilton of Team McLaren, are currently behaving.

Just prior to, and at the start of the season, the more sensational press hinted at unrest in the McLaren camp and friction between the two drivers. The immediate post-race reactions and body language of the two drivers, after the China Grand Prix, will certainly dispel the rumours.

At the end of the race Hamilton made it to 'parc fermé' ahead of Button and jumped out of his car to rush across to congratulate the other driver even before he had come to a halt. Button, in turn, extricated himself with difficulty from his cramped cockpit, didn't even wait to replace the (very expensive) steering wheel, before sprinting across to Hamilton to give him a huge bear-hug. Their congratulatory celebrations were undoubtedly genuine, their conversation was animated, punctuated with smiles and laughter, and they even managed to include young Nico Rosberg (Mercedes), who finished third, in their conversation. It was a far cry from the peacock-like posturing of Alonso (GP Bahrain) and Vettel (GP Malaysia) when they made it to the podium.

Long may the sportsmanship continue.

Bowing to comments left in the previous post I shall attempt to summarise the race, picking up on some of the more entertaining incidents that occurred, and to which I was privy, thanks to the Portuguese cable company that carried the event.

The start of the race brought back bad memories of last year's Malaysian GP rant in which I excelled myself by almost frothing at the mouth. Yes, once more it was bucketing-down at the start of a race. It was referred to as 'light rain', but it appeared to be leaving a heavy sheen on everything. And were those slicks I saw the cars shod with? They sure were! And wasn't that why the cars were swerving madly to build up the temperatures in their tyres on the warm-up lap?

Oh well, the professionals know best; I am only an armchair critic.

Alonso (Ferrari) got a 'jump start', an euphemism for 'cheating bastard', and got to the first corner ahead of 'Petula(nt)' Vettel (Red Bull) and 'Jaws' Webber (Red Bull). Lucky. Because Liuzzi (Force India) lost it at the corner, spun around, and then somersaulted into and over Kobayashi (BMW) and Buemi (Toro Rosso). WIPEOUT for three!

Safety car ...

Alonso had been rumbled by Charlie Whiting Charlie Whiting is FIA Formula One Race Director, Safety Delegate, Permanent Starter and head of the F1 Technical Department, in which capacities he generally manages the logistics of each F1 Grand Prix, inspects cars in Parc fermé before a race, enforces FIA rules, and controls the lights which start each race.

Now you know why some things go pear-shaped when you consider how 'stretched' Charlie must be during each race!

When Charlie retires they are going to find it hard to hire two (or even three) 'professionals' to take over where he leaves off.

in the starters box and was invited to a 'drive through penalty' party, the equivalent of losing 25 seconds. Because that's how long it takes to traverse the pit lane adhering to the set speed limit. However, before the uplifting news was radioed to him, Alonso and the the two Red Bull's (the latter two probably incandescent with rage by now) pitted to switch to wet tyres.

Safety car exits stage right …

Three laps later all those who changed to 'wets' were back in again to change back to 'slicks'. It was sheer chaos. The pit crews - sorry, CREW, singular - attended to both team cars, and to hell with the niceties of each driver having his own crew! That was also the pit stop in which Hamilton and Vettel tussled on exiting the pits, earning each a 'reprimand' after the race. I am a Hamilton fan and NOT a Vettel supporter, but I think in this instance they BOTH got off lightly. Will they have learned a lesson? I hope not; this is not a sport for the faint-hearted, and handbags at five paces doesn't have any place in the makeup of an F1 racing driver.

Hamilton then proceeded to dish out a driving lesson to Vettel and Webber. He overtook Webber and was sandwiched between the two Red Bull's who began making life difficult for him - one braking in his face, the other threatening to ram him up his derriere. On lap 12 he outfoxed both of them and passed Vettel with ease, disappearing in a cloud of spray.

Lap 20 and more wholesale pit stops: Button, Rosberg, Petrov, Hamilton and Vettel (again), Schumacher, Webber, Alguersuari, Sutil, Massa and Alonso (back of the field now after serving his drive-through) all stopped for 'wets'.

Lap 21 - safety car - Alguersuari was off, damaging his nose cone and leaving a trail of debris behind him. Bad time for a safety car deployment for some; great news for others. Button's lead was wiped out, but Hamilton's 40 second deficit behind the leaders was also cut to a second or two. Ah well, that's motor racing!

Lap 25 - safety car off - but Button had slowed down the rest of the field so much that when the race resumed they were all bunched up behind him and it was almost surreal to watch racing cars behaving like waltzing couples at the Hammersmith Palais. Only they were doing it at around 300 kilometres an hour. Whew!

Hamilton wised-up on lap 37 and ducked into the pits to put on a fresh set of rain boots, fractionally before Button (1st), Rosberg (2nd) and Alonso (4th) did the same. This allowed Hamilton to 'overtake' Rosberg whilst he pitted, and it was now a race between the teammates for 1st and 2nd.

Thrilling to the end. Button pulled away from Hamilton at first, increasing his lead to 9.9 seconds, but as his tyres degraded he found Hamilton closing in on him with each lap.

Button crossed the line only 1.5 seconds ahead of Hamilton, and I have no doubt that had they not run out of track, the latter would have taken the race.

Motor racing, especially the Formula One kind, can be so entertaining!

If only the backroom boys would leave it to the drivers ...

Fortunately it was only I that was in a state of bewilderment caused by my inability to follow the Portuguese television commentary. I tried my damndest to keep my eyes on the racing and read the ribbon at the bottom of the screen at the same time, only to make a dog's dinner of both.

The final outcome was greatly to my liking but, oh, didn't this race provide some 'fluidity' to the race placements, as always dictated by the vagaries of the weather! If there is a mythical Olympian God who presides over Grand Prix excursions, then today he (or she) was in a mischievous mood throughout the afternoon, emptying their watering can over the participants, only to raise the rose when hordes of them ducked into the pits to change tyres. And then doing it all over again!

I am still re-living in my mind's eye much of the top class driving I witnessed today, and for that reason alone I intend to keep this post as short as possible. If you are interested in the sport and didn't watch it, then you missed a 'cracker'.

Boring the pants off readers who don't follow the sport by delivering a blow-by-blow commentary as I have been prone to in the past would do today's spectacle a disservice!

Here are a couple of stolen images off the Official F1 Website, which I shall be happy to remove if they decide to complain about my audacity.

The first is an incident that I thought could possibly lose Hamilton his second place finish ...

And, to celebrate an all-British victory (drivers and team), here are the final moments ...

'Till next time ...

Yes it was! The title is the antonym to the title of the previous post, and has been chosen deliberately.

The sheen of the rain on the track was an indicator that this race, Melbourne, Sunday 28th March 2010, would live up to expectations. Whether you are a racing aficionado, a clock-watcher (the clocks went forward an hour), or whether you have religion (Palm Sunday), you somehow felt that the entertainment this Sunday morning was going to be of the highest quality.

Despite the wretched early hour in the northern hemisphere!

The fun began in earnest at the very first corner. Who could have put money on the fact that THREE champions would mix it so early in the race? Button (McLaren), Alonso (Ferrari) and Schumacher (Mercedes) flexed their motoring muscles resulting in a brush or two, and it was fortunate that all three emerged from the tussle unscathed. Not so lucky for Kobayashi (BMW), Buemi (Toro Rosso) and Hulkenberg (Williams) at turn six of the very same lap. Their race was over in a tangled mess of rubber, metal and fibreglass.

Safety car - 4 laps.

The drivers appeared to have discarded the 'first night nerves' that they displayed a fortnight ago in Bahrain; they drove their cars as if they meant it. Lap after lap I, and I suspect millions of others, sat glued to the screen. Even the paid-for channel on which I watched this spectacle appeared to get caught up in the excitement. They only put out TWO commercial breaks during the whole race!

The Red Bull team appears to have shrugged off their 'comic'Red Bull is the most popular energy drink in the world, according to market share. Red Bull is an adaptation of the Thai energy drink Krating Daeng, which means 'Red Bull'.

Red Bull's slogan is "it gives you wings" and the product is aggressively marketed through advertising, tournament sponsorship (Red Bull Air Race), sports team ownerships and celebrity endorsements.

In 2009 it was discovered that Red Bull Cola exported from Austria contained trace amounts of cocaine.

Red Bull has also been the target of criticism concerning the possible health risks associated with the drink.




Red Bull Art
(... counting their chickens?)

image and are by far and away the fastest cars on the track. Young Vettel started in pole position and wasn't about to give way. He continued to increase the gap between himself and the rest of the field (except for Button) with each lap, until lap 20, when his car suffered a brake problem and he ended up in the gravel at Turn-13. Poor sod, I actually felt sorry for him. Fast, yes. Reliability still a bit of a problem!

Button (McLaren) made a brave choice (I emphasise, HE made the choice, not the team in the pits) to switch to slicks in lap 6, because he felt the track was drying out, and the move paid dividends. He changed tyres about three laps before the others wised up, and that was all he needed to be able to close the gap even more on Vettel before that unfortunate's race ended prematurely. Now leading the pack, Button didn't put a foot (or wheel) wrong, and any decreases in his speed due to fuel or tyre conservation were being mirrored by the rest of the drivers behind him.

There were other cameo roles played out by the competitors, too many to enumerate, but all were enjoyable. The one that brought a huge grin to my face was the tussle between young Jaime Alguersuari (Toro Rosso - first season) and Michael Schumacher (Mercedes - 7 times world champion), where it appeared Alguersuari was handing out a lesson in 'Driving-101', only for Schumacher to outbreak him at a corner, sending him off the track. Old dogs know all the tricks.

I could have posted many pictures to substantiate what I've written, but the official Formula 1 site are rightly reticent about allowing their excellent photography to be replicated by the likes of me. If you want to feast your eyes, click on the link above. It will open a new tab, or new page, depending on the browser you use.

Finally, my early morning tryst with this magnificent sport ended on a high when I observed that the chequered flag was waved for Jensen Button by no other than John Travolta.

You might have an image of the actor as the greasy kid from 'Grease' who ended up pawing Olivia Neutron-Bomb, but I have followed his career with interest and I am convinced that he is probably the most underrated actor of the modern genre.

Oh, he also owns and flies several aircraft, and probably piloted his 707 to make the trip ...

Yes it was!

This was the first race of the season, and given the changes to the rules and format, perhaps it isn't too surprising

The 'qualifiers' on Saturday were a darn sight more interesting with all the drivers trying their damndest to get to grips with their new cars, hoping to do well enough to snatch a decent grid position for today's race. Fuel taken aboard could probably have been measured with an egg cup because they were all aware that they would ALL be required to fill their tanks before the actual race and it was unnecessary to attempt to qualify with a heavily laden car.

When you consider that the rebuilt cars for the 2010 season are sporting 250-litre fuel tanks compared to the 80-litre tanks in previous years, you begin to understand that computation and complication are uneasy bedfellows. With a full fuel load the suspension needs to be adjusted to take account of the increased weight. This eventually results, in the latter stages of the race, in a higher than normal ride, lesser down force, ultimately making it difficult to control the  car during high-speed cornering.

The result today was reminiscent of the days of 'procession'; Ferrari's leading, the rest following meekly. Today it was Vettel (Red Bull) leading and Alonso and Massa (Ferrari) following, until Vettel's car developed a technical problem. It was almost surreal to hear Vettel's plaintive shout to the pits on the radio, "Is there anything you can do to fix it?", whilst loosing nearly 2 seconds a lap with 15 to go, only to be told, rather tersely, "No. It is a mechanical fault."

Alonso and Massa moved into 1st and 2nd position and Hamilton (McLaren) barged through into 3rd with the finesse of a female shopper at the 'sales' homing in on a bargain. I'm afraid that that was the only bit of excitement during the whole race. Indeed, I got up and wandered off into the kitchen to put on a much needed cup of coffee at some point during the race - and didn't miss a thing!

One can only hope that things get better ...

Less than a week to go to the first race of the 2010 season. The pre-season testing (Valencia, Jerez and Barcelona) is done and dusted. Unlike the start of last season, there were no major surprises, or hastily lodged complaints by any of the teams!

This season promises to be a 'cracker'. With the return of Michael Schumacher there are no less than FOUR world champions on the grid; Schumacher (7 titles), Alonso (2005), Hamilton (2008) and Button (2009). The last two are competing against each other out of the same stable, McLaren-Mercedes, and there already appears to be a bit of friction!

To balance all these 'chiefs' they've even got an Indian, Karun Chandhok, driving for the newly formed and hastily-badged HRT team. He is only the second Indian to have ever driven in Formula One. Along with Chandhok there are several new faces (Schumacher is not a new face), but one of my favourites, the hard-drinking-cigar-smoking Finn, Kimi Räikkönen, has left for pastures new. I shall miss his monosyllabic and monotonous post-race interviews, but I won't miss having to look up his name each time I wanted to write it.

HRT is not the only new team to make an appearance this year. Lotus, a name that conjures up past motor racing excitement, is also there. Richard Branson, after investing masses of money with Brawn-Mercedes last year, only to see it sold to the Germans, has decided to put out his very own team. They are called 'Virgin': you expected something else?

The FIA continues to tinker with the rules (remember my rants last season?). This time I am hoping they have got it right, but only time will tell. The most important change is going to be the elimination of the refuelling stops. In other words, they will have to have enough fuel aboard to complete the race from the get-go. It also means the drivers will not only have to race each other on the track, they will need to watch their fuel consumption, and nurse their tyres from start to finish. Can't see this rule, being applied to the modern racing car, lasting the season. Rest assured, if I am right in my assessment I shall take the opportunity to crow loudly from these pages!

The current weather conditions in Melbourne are abysmal. Plenty of rain, so much so that they are suffering major floods. What has that to do with F1? Well, if you had to ask the question, you are not an aficionado! Any long-term followers of the sport know that it is traditional to kick off the season in that 4-seasons city 'down-under'. The serendipitous choice of starting THIS season in Bahrain must have been a conscious decision taken in committee. They are off to a good start; one can only hope that it continues.

I shall be watching from my armchair to see that they don't screw-up along the way ...

It has been one hell of a week (and a bit) in the world of Formula One motor racing. The most dramatic and spine-chilling event was the crash that Felipe Massa had during the last seconds of the second qualifying session (Q2) on Saturday, 25^th July, in Hungary. The world has been watching, and I am glad to say it has subsequently turned out to be a "Good News" story.

By now almost everybody is familiar with the tale, but I thought I would add a little postscript. During my searches of the Official F1 Website I was glad to see that an effort had been made to explain the accident, and to graphically show what the 'experts' thought had happened.

It is much the way I described it in my previous post. They have published a detailed description about where the damper spring impacted the car and driver, information they must have collected on further inspection of the remains of the car, and they surmise that the spring, collected by the front left wheel shot up and struck the car initially at 'arrow-1', then struck the cockpit at 'arrow-2', and then shattered Massa's visor above the left eye.

Good. I thank them profusely for the explanation. But where the hell are 'arrows 1 & 2' in the tiny graphic that these guys posted? I found them, but not before lifting the picture and blowing it up in my own graphic software!

So I went looking for a 'zooming' script that could enlarge areas of a small web graphic when a 'magnifying-window' is moved over areas of the original by passing the mouse cursor over it. I was successful, indeed I had several scripts to choose from. I've earmarked one for use on my fully-fledged website as it takes a series of complicated JQuery/JavaScript coding to make it work. However, here is one that is simple to implement, and which will do the job just fine as far as a blogger template and page is concerned. Did I mention it is FREE?

Move your cursor over any part of the small image and you will see a small translucent square with crosshairs. Moving that square around the small image will enlarge the area covered by the square in a (hidden) window to the right of it.

I think that is pretty cool, and will write it up as a TIP on the Playpen in a day or two. If you are interested, that is where you will find the information. And a link to the author's page. Let's be fair about this; he did all the work, I'm only using it. Must remember to make a small donation via PayPal for his efforts! (done!)

Here are some of the other 'goings-ons' in the Formula One world, most of which is of little or no interest to the average person. But I shall list them anyway ...

• The FIA promises to investigate 'debris-related' accidents.


• BMW announce that they will be withdrawing from Formula One at the end of the season.


• Ferrari plan to substitute Schumacher for Massa for the rest of the season.


• Australia Post is to issue special 55-cent stamps featuring three different images of Webber to commemorate his maiden Formula One win in Germany.


• 2009 Concorde Agreement signed. The Concorde Agreement - a contract between the FIA, Formula One racing's commercial rights-holder and the participating teams - sets out the basis on which the teams participate in the championship and share in its commercial success.


• Michael Schumacher begins training, but cannot use the Ferrari F60 (the 2009 car) due to the current rules that do not allow testing of the cars during the summer break.


• Ferrari write to the FIA and the other teams asking that this rule be relaxed due to the circumstances. 17 teams agree; Williams DO NOT. Schumacher must continue practicing in the 2007 car.


• Nelson Piquet Jnr is sacked by Renault.


• Felipe Massa flies home to Brazil to recuperate.

That's a brief round-up. I hope there isn't going to be any more of this sort of behind-the-scenes activity for the rest of the month of August.

I need the rest ...

For a major corporate entity it appears that Ralph Nader's thinking is not advice that the FIA consider relevant, and that's a shame. Not that many people pay attention to Ralphie's Rants! But they could make an effort to listen to the siren calls of their fanbase to get it right!

Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur (Sempang), a week later. The FIA, barely over the Trulli-Hamilton debacle, were faced with BMW Sauber lodging their complaint against the teams that were using the new diffusers. For the unitiated, this is pure politics, not something that a team felt strongly about. The original complaint having been dismissed in Melbourne, the teams that lodged the complaint needed to have somebody reopen the wound or they would not have been able to raise the issue again on the grounds that it would have been 'inadmissable' under the current rules. So, BMW lodging their complaint forced the issue, and the International Court of Appeal (I mentioned the stuffed shirts in the previous post) had no choice but to schedule a meeting to hear the complaints and the appeals against the previous decision. They will also drag McLaren before the court to investigate the alleged 'lies' served up at the previous Stewards hearing in Melbourne.

And all this is to take place in Paris a few days before the Shanghai meeting, which is half a world away. I wonder whose interests these blockheads think they are serving?

Got carried away there! Back to Malaysia. The race was scheduled to start at 17.00 hours (5 in the afternoon if you're still using the funny clock), a time of day renowned for heavy rain at this time of the year. Why would anybody, no matter how inefficient they are, want to calendar a race meet knowing that rain is guaranteed?

And rain it did. Boy, did it chuck it down! A couple of madcap laps in those conditions, with drivers ducking into the pits to change and re-change tyres, and the safety car was deployed. The race continued valiantly under the pacing of the safety car, but after SEVEN drivers aquaplaned on apparently safe stretches of the circuit, the straight bits, it was decided to 'red-flag' the race. So we were faced with the spectacle of a whole bunch of drivers sitting in their open cockpits with a multitude of mechanics fiddling with the cars, even preparing to change tyres if necessary, and other lackeys holding aloft umbrellas so that the drivers didn't drown in a sitting position.

  
  
  
All photographs courtesy of and © 2009 Official F1 Site

Honestly, you couldn't make it up! Nobody, and I mean nobody, seemed to know what was going on. Not the teams, not the television presenters, and certainly not the spectators - live or watching on television. Then word filtered through that the stewards were considering restarting the race. What? Under those conditions?

Yes! They apparently felt it would be OK for the cars to do another EIGHT laps under the safety car so that they would be able to complete 75% of the race and claim full points. Whereas, if the race was abandoned at that stage of the race, the drivers could only gain half the points. Them's the rules, see?

From where I was sitting, at an ungodly hour in the morning I might add, I could only whack the side of my head in disbelief. They were planning to send the drivers around in the rain, in a procession because they would not be able to 'race' behind the safety car, so that they could meet the absolute rule that full points could only be awarded to the drivers if they completed 75% of the race. But the placings would be the same after another 8 laps as they were at the time of the stoppage. So who was the dumbcluck that was making this decision? Facelesss to the last, I'm afraid.

Commonsense prevailed. The race was abandoned and the drivers climbed out of their cars with obvious relief on their faces. Jenson Button was adjudged the winner, and I have to say that I cannot tell you who came in second and third without looking it up, as I had lost interest by then! Half the race points were awarded, and I suspect that that might yet be an area for appeal by the teams and drivers if the end of the season is decided by a single point or two - or worse, half a point!

Will I stay up to watch the Shanghai 'hi-jinks'? You betcha!

Wouldn't miss it for the world ...

Update: (15 April 2009)

The court of appeal has upheld the decisions of the stewards in Melbourne and Kuala Lumpur to declare the diffusers in question to be 'legal' within the design guidelines published prior to the start of the season. What a surprise - NOT!

The fact is that, Brawn GP, Toyota and Williams, the three teams about whom the complaints were lodged, submitted the plans for the diffusers at each design and engineering stage of their pre-season build, and each time those submissions had been scrutinised and passed by the FIA technical directors.

Equally, it is clear that the diffusers are not a 'bolt-on' addition that the other teams can slap on after taking a stroll round to their local Halford's. At the very least the gearbox has to be redesigned to divert the airflow towards the diffusers to make them perform as designed. That means that all the other teams who do not have these diffusers now have to play 'catch-up'. So you can understand the labyrinthine politics, especially when massive amounts of money are involved. And it looks like Ferrari are in the forefront of the 'whingers'. Another surprise - NOT!

I have no doubt that the bigger teams like Ferrari and McLaren (who have NOT complained - correction, 22 Apr 09: they've had a whinge, too!) will already have started work on redesigning their gearbox and engine placement in anticipation of the decision going against them. But it will take 3 or 4 more races for them to become competitive, not to mention the extra testing that needs to be carried out.

I say "Good Luck" to Brawn, Toyota and Williams, and may the outcome of the races continue to be decided on the track and not in some dingy committe room!

Off to China next. Not me, the F1 Roadshow. After the fiasco's of Melbourne and Kuala Lumpur they are going to try and get it right in Shanghai. Fat chance!

I have put off saying anything about the F1-Circus on the off-chance that my disappointment would have abated sufficiently, hoping that I could be objective about what I wanted to say. But, what the hell, I'm not an 'objective' motor racing hack; only one of several million frustrated and disappointed followers of the sport.

Let us start at the beginning. Ferrari, Red Bull and Renault lodged an appeal in Melbourne against the Brawn GP, Toyota and Williams teams on the grounds that the diffuser devices used on their cars breached the technical design. The appeal was heard by the Panel of Stewards and was rejected.

Ferrari, Red Bull and Renault appealed the Stewards' decisions. Then, BMW Sauber launched a similar protest and appeal in Malaysia.

The hearing of the International Court of Appeal (don't these stuffed shirts embellish themselves with grandiose titles?) will take place in Paris on Tuesday, 14th April, 2009 at 10.00 hours. The decisions are expected on Wednesday, 15th April, in the afternoon!

I could wait for three or four days and report on the report, but I don't have the patience. I cannot see how the Court of Appeal can overturn the ruling of their local stewards, penalise the teams in question, remove the points scored so far (Jenson Button and Brawn GP have finished FIRST in the first two races), and leave themselves, the FIA, without any credibility whatsoever!

What else has been happening? A whole bunch of idiotic moves, is what. Lewis Hamilton qualified 15th on the grid in Melbourne with a car that isn't up to scratch. He and his team came to the decision that the gearbox would need to be changed before the race. For that Hamilton was penalised (quite rightly, according to the rules) and had to start from 18th position on the grid. The race was a thriller, the safety car being deployed twice, and Jenson Button took the chequered flag. Lewis Hamilton finished fourth, a commendable race when you consider he started from the back row.

Within a couple of hours after the race the Stewards had stripped Jarno Trulli of his third place and promoted Lewis Hamilton from fourth, along with the 6 points that came with it. TWO DAYS later the FIA reversed the decision, reinstating Jarno Trulli and disqualifying Lewis Hamilton completely, based on an interview that Hamilton gave immediately after the race, and on a transcript of radio transmissions between Hamilton and the team in the pits. Here is that transcript:

Team: OK Lewis, you should need to make sure your delta is positive over the safety car line. After the safety car line the delta doesn't matter but no overtaking. No overtaking.
Lewis Hamilton: The Toyota went off in a line at the second corner ..... is this OK?
Team: Understood, Lewis. We'll confirm and get back to you.
LH: He was off the track. He went wide.
Team: Lewis, you need to allow the Toyota through. Allow the Toyota through now.
LH: OK.
LH: He's slowed right down in front of me.
Team: OK, Lewis. Stay ahead for the time being. Stay ahead. We will get back to you. We are talking to Charlie.
LH: I let him past already.
Team: OK, Lewis. That's fine. That's fine. Hold position. Hold position.
LH: Tell Charlie I already overtook him. I just let him past.
Team: I understand Lewis. We are checking. Now can we go to yellow G 5, yellow Golf 5.
LH: I don't have to let him past I should be able to take that position back, if he made a mistake.
Team: Yes, we understand Lewis. Let's just do it by the book. We are asking Charlie now. You are in P4. If you hold this position. Just keep it together.
Team: OK Lewis, your KERS is full, your KERS is full. Just be aware. You can go back to black F2, black Foxtrot 2.
LH: Any news from Charlie whether I can take it back or not.
Team: Still waiting on a response Lewis, still waiting.
Team: Lewis, work on your brakes please. Front brakes are cold.
Team: If we are able to use one KERS that would be good. If you deploy KERS please do so now.
Team: OK, Lewis, this is the last lap of the race. At the end of the lap the safety car will come in, you just proceed over the line without overtaking, without overtaking. We are looking into the Trulli thing, but just hold position.

The claim by the FIA after hearing that excerpt was that Hamilton and the McLaren team lied to them when they were interviewed an hour after the race. The transcript clearly shows that Hamilton was instructed, at least twice, to allow Trulli to overtake him. Hamilton admits that he told the stewards that he had received no such instruction. Hamilton was being a 'team player' when he said that, and the suspension of McLaren's sporting director, Dave Ryan, confirms that the team's dealings with the FIA stewards was not above board. McLaren have elected not to appeal the findings!

I have heard the audio of that transcript above and I can tell you that the confusion between driver and team was almost palpable. Hamilton had been penalised last season for a very similar incident, and here he was faced with something almost identical. Jarno Trulli had gone off the track whilst the safety car was deployed and the rules state that cars cannot overtake under those conditions. Since he, Hamilton, had 'overtaken' when Trulli had made an obvious mistake, he must have felt that it was an acceptable move to go past. However, neither he nor the team were certain of the 'rule' and Charlie Belated research has uncovered the following information about the elusive 'Charlie'

Charlie Whiting is FIA Formula One Race Director, Safety Delegate, Permanent Starter and head of the F1 Technical Department, in which capacities he generally manages the logistics of each F1 Grand Prix, inspects cars in Parc fermé before a race, enforces FIA rules, and controls the lights which start each race.

Now you know!

(whoever the hell he is) needed to be consulted. Somebody (from the team) decided that Hamilton had better give up his position, and I suspect that nothing more would have happened about that incident had Hamilton not been pressured, by his own team bosses, to say that he had not been told to allow Trulli to pass!

I was going to deal with the Malaysia cock-up next, but I suspect anybody that has read this far is as exhausted as I am. So, we shall leave Malysia for "F1-asco-2".

Next instalment soon ...

Murray Walker, or more correctly Graeme Murray Walker, was a Motor Racing Commentator for the BBC until it lost its franchise to ITV, at which time Murray switched over channels too. He is renowned for his 'Walkerisms' or 'Murrayisms', and the spoonerism I've quoted above is one of the favourites that people trot out when the discussion turns to Murray. A gentle and considerate soul, he rarely criticised drivers and preferred to give them the benefit of the doubt in attributing blame for incidents (read as cock-ups leading to accidents).

The Formula-1 season is almost upon us. The first race will take place in David McMahon's back yard, in Melbourne on the 29th of this month. This little post is meant to be a 'laymans-guide' to a fantastic sport that I have followed for all of my adult life. Most people that I know are quite indifferent to this spectacle, and that saddens me somewhat.

The pre-season testing phase for the cars, drivers and teams has just concluded in Jerez, Spain (15-19 March 2009). They even got 3 days of rain so that the cars could be rigged for wet weather racing, including the introduction of the new compound of Bridgestone tyres. This year, for the first time in a decade, the cars will be shod with 'slicks' that were discontinued in preference for tyres that were ridged. Drivers will still have the choice of two dry-tyre compounds and will still have to use both compounds during a race. A green band on the sidewall will distinguish the softer compound.

Also, this year for the first time, teams have the option of employing KERS (Kinetic Energy Recovery Systems) to boost their car's performance. As its name implies, KERS recovers the normally wasted kinetic energy generated by the car's braking process. This energy is stored using a mechanical flywheel or an electrical battery and then made available to the driver, in set amounts per lap, via a 'boost button' on the steering wheel. Under the current regulations the power gain equates to around 80 horsepower, available for just under seven seconds per lap. This could be worth several tenths of a second in terms of lap time, but the additional weight of the system (roughly 20 kilos or 40 lbs) has to be taken into account as the 'allowed' overall weight of car and driver has not been increased. Several drivers have been reported to have lost up to 8 kilos in weight, not a good thing when one considers they are supremely fit in the first instance, and losing so much weight is obviously going to affect their physical effectiveness, and ultimately their overall performance.

Rule-changing prior to the start of each season appears to have become a standard feature, but for me the most incomprehensible rule change this year is the one that states that the drivers' championship will be awarded to "the driver with the most race wins at the end of the season". If two or more drivers have the same number of wins, the title will go to the driver with the higher points total. Points will still be awarded in the values of 10, 8, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, for the first eight places.

Let us rewind to the 2004 season, only 4 years ago (hey, we haven't started this season yet, so put your shoes and socks back on!). Michael Schumacher and Ferrari dominated. These were Schumie's results:

Any driver with that sort of record in a season deserves to win the championship, but consider this - if this rule had been in force in 2004 - when do you think Schumie might have decided that he didn't need to race any more in the 2004 season? I think even a non-racing fan can work that one out from the results above!

Jenson Button and Reubens Barrichello get to earn a crust in 2009, something they hadn't expected to do with the demise of their racing team, Honda. Ross Brawn (pedigree: Williams, Arrows, Benetton, Ferrari and Honda, and from aerodynamicist to technical director to Team Principal) bought out Team Honda and they will be racing under the new title of "Brawn GP". Button celebrated this news by placing the Brawn machine in first place on day 3 of the Jerez pre-season programme!

David Coulthard retired at the end of the 2008 season. This allowed Sebastian Vettil to move to "Red Bull" from "Toro Rosso" (a Red Bull by any other name ... !) to partner Mark Webber. The empty seat at "Toro Rosso" has been filled by newcomer Sebastien Buemi, partnering Sebastien Bourdais. At least they both spell their first name the same way!

Newcomer Sebastien Buemi

If you are confused, or even slightly intrigued by the apparent similarities, "Red Bull" is based at Milton Keynes, UK, partnered by Renault and uses the Renault RS27 engine. "Toro Rosso" is based in Faenza, Italy and uses a Ferrari engine, usually last season's cast-off. But they both share the same parent team, 'Red Bull Racing', based in Fuschl am See, Austria. Go figure!

Truly international.

Force India Logo

For instance, "Force India" have their base at Silverstone in the UK. Their Team Principal, co-owner and head honcho is Vijay Mallya, and they retain the services of Adrian Sutil and Giancarlo Fisichella for the 2009 season. Despite impressive improvement in terms of pace in 2008, you can rely on the team bringing up the rear. However, the new technical tie-up with McLaren means Mercedes power from 2009. I wish them the best of luck.

That is all for now folks, but expect the odd 'rant' from time to time as the season progresses. I am a confirmed armchair race fan and I always manage to stay awake to watch the live TV coverage, no matter what time the race is held in the host country. This season doesn't look like it is going to be any different.

'Till next time ...

 

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

Hot off the press (today 20 March 2009, 20:15) ... It has just been announced by the FIA (Federation Internationale de l'Automobile - the motorsport governing body) that the new rule for deciding Championship placing (i.e. the driver with the most number of wins) will NOT be introduced this season, the decision being deferred until the 2010 season - if it is introduced at all! Apparently this was forced on them by the teams and drivers who claimed that the implementation of the new rule, this late in the calendar, was 'unconstitutional'. Actually their bitch was they, the teams and drivers, had not even been consulted!

COMMON SENSE RULES, OK!?!